Confessions

(Re-post from 4/19/15)

If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t. If I could look into the future, I wouldn’t. I know most people wish that they could do one or the other. I really don’t see the point. Not trying to be uppity or anything; I’ve given this quite a bit of thought…Sometimes the journey has been an outright pain in the ass. I won’t deny that there have been times when I’ve questioned God, and not too kindly. I remember the first time… I was about 8, there was a poster of Jesus behind my bedroom door, so I could see it when the door was closed. Made it super easy to question, demand, curse; you name it, I did it. So I’m no stranger to wanting to turn back time. The future, since I never had any concrete plans beyond wanting to be a GI Joe character, didn’t really appeal to me much. As a little girl, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my usual answer was “tall”. That didn’t happen, so you can see why the future was not something that I anticipated. I figured what will be, will be.

And so it is…

That I am in Wonderland, wishing I was anywhere but here. And even though there have been experiences and stuff that I would have gladly done without, without them I never would have experienced other things, met some of the extraordinary people that I have had the honor of meeting in my journey. I can name them, but why put them on the spot? Suffice it to say, they are from Puerto Rico, Pennsylvania, Florida, Louisiana, Georgia, Colombia, Cuba, Mexico, Alaska, Wisconsin, West Virginia, North Carolina, California, New Mexico, Arizona, Korea, the Philippines, Germany, Serbia… They’re from everywhere. These are just a few of the places that they are from. I couldn’t name them all if I tried! Or maybe I could, but this entry would be pages and pages long. I mean, I know farmers and social workers and casino supervisors and military personnel and nurses and public servants and students and designers and writers and business owners and entrepreneurs and administrative assistants and ministers and teachers. You get the picture.

So here’s to you. ALL of you. Mom and Dad, my siblings, my nieces, my nephew, my sister in law, my husband, those who work or have worked with me, the ones I’ve gone to school with, my uncle, my aunt, my neighbors, those who have shared of themselves electronically. All of you. I am blessed to have met you and honored that you have become a part of my life in one way or another. Thank you, you have enriched my life and I can only hope that I have enriched yours in some way.

So then I’ve been busy at work, battling computers that refuse to work or connect to the internet at home. It’s been a fun couple of weeks. But I was able to finish putting together a presentation for work that I was able to get postponed to the end of the month. I had no idea how to broach the subject. It is something that I feel very strongly about but all the research made me cry (it’s about infant mortality and birth defects, etc). I just couldn’t figure out how to present the information without bawling through the whole thing. Finally I was able to focus on the positive when I remembered the book “Big George”—I read it many, many years ago. I forget who write it, but it is a beautiful book. Yes it made me cry. So naturally I ordered it on Amazon for $0.01. If I get it before the day of the presentation I plan on using it as a visual aid. I am hoping to teach people a lesson about these tiny little miracles that have chosen such an arduous trial. A few of my co-workers are absolutely callous when it comes to this stuff, and I have had to restrain myself quite a few times from ripping into them like a monkey on a banana.

I have come to understand that ultimately this is a lesson for me: I will continue to encounter people who don’t get anything unless it affects them directly. Something like dealing with MS.

The tricky thing is that the condition affects all of us differently and at a different rate. I am operating under the same conditions as I was before my diagnosis. A dear friend told me not too long ago, “you are as sick now as you were before your diagnosis”. It made me stop. Not because I thought she was making light of my situation, but because it helped me to put things in perspective. Yes, I have MS. And yes it sucks [donkey balls]. But this has dropped into my life because I have what it takes to face it, accept it, and work with it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “MS is NOT my enemy.”

I hope that I can transcend this and move on to the next step of my evolution. Sometimes I worry that I’m not doing a very good job at learning my lessons. I don’t want to have to continue to revisit them. Frankly, some of them have sucked [donkey balls]… Don’t believe me? I told a loved one last week that I would have signed a lease in the hottest pit of hell rather than continue to endure one of them. Get the picture? No? It’s okay, it was a circus of my own making, and I had to learn to survive those monkeys. Now I am monkey free. 😀 Thank God for that!

And So It Is

 

not-my-circus

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